This Used to be our Bench

I walked down the winding path, so narrow and so tedious to navigate, by myself. It was dark, but I knew the way well since you and I had been here many times before. As I made my way farther and farther down the path to my intended destination, I held the picture of you close to my chest. I felt raindrops start to fall down from the sky, but I did not quicken my pace.  I only held your picture closer to me. I wanted to enjoy every moment of this walk, for it was the last time I knew I would walk down this path, our path ever again.
I had a hood I could’ve covered my hair with to keep myself dry, but I didn’t. You loved the rain, and the raindrops reminded me of our first kiss. I closed my eyes along the way recalling the way you had held me close to you as the rain had splattered my face and made my make-up run down my cheeks.
“You are so beautiful,” you had said as you gently leaned in to kiss me. I was so scared, because I had never been kissed before, but your touch seemed so natural and I let you hold me close the way I had never let anyone hold me before.
That memory seemed so far away now, and I tried to remember everything about it. I tried to hold on to how your arms felt securely around my waist and how you had called me beautiful when I had never felt that way before. I let the memory surround me and envelop my thoughts until the thought of your touch became too painful, and I pressed on trying to focus on my ultimate goal.
The path led me to the woods, and I pressed forward passing by the tree that had our initials carved into it and I didn’t stop. That day had been a good day, but it reminded me of some of your bad days. Your bad days had started getting more and more frequent and seeing our initials carved into the wood made me think of your knife, and I shuddered moving quickly through the trees that the both of us had passed by so many times before.
I reached up for the necklace around my neck and nervously grasped the small angel dangling from the chain. When you’d given the necklace to me you told me that the angel would protect me when you weren’t around, and that I never had to be scared even if you weren’t with me. I sighed, feeling a tear roll down my cheek. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but it was hard not to. When you had handed me my necklace, you had been smiling from ear to ear because you knew I would love it. What you didn’t know, though, was that you were my angel all along. You just couldn’t see yourself the way that I saw you.
You saw yourself as a lonely and scared boy who was angry at his father and didn’t know how to express it. But that wasn’t how I saw you. I saw you as my best friend and my soul mate. I saw you as my comfort and my strength. When I looked into your deep blue eyes I saw a sadness, yes, but I also saw a love so deep that I knew I would never be loved so much again.
You were always so frustrated with yourself, and I was always amazed by your talent. When you’d write songs, you would get so angry at yourself, saying that they weren’t good enough and that your writing would never amount to anything. When you would crumple up the paper that contained your words and throw it across the floor, I’d retrieve the paper and smooth it out to show you that you should never give up on what you love, especially when you were so talented.
You were never satisfied with your singing or your guitar playing, but when I watched you up on that stage singing songs you had written and deemed worthy of the public ear, I couldn’t help but be filled with pride knowing that you belonged to me. I praised your performances constantly, telling you how great you were, but it was never enough. No matter how much I spoke of your talent, it was never enough.
Walking alone in the darkness of the woods started to make me slightly nervous, and as the rain began to pour down harder and harder, and the thunder began to clap in the distance, I started to long more and more for your presence by my side. I wanted to look down at your picture, just to see your face as I walked along, but I didn’t dare risk it for fear of it being ruined by the rain. I clutched your picture even closer and quickened my pace. I would reach my destination. I needed to for me. I needed to for us.
I remembered meeting you the first time, and how awe struck I had been by your good looks and your laid back demeanor. I was always so nervous around others and I was afraid to speak to you. When you came up to me that day, and told me that I had the most beautiful eyes you had ever seen, I was completely speechless. I had never been complimented like that before, and I hadn’t had a clue what to say. You had just smiled at me as I blushed and then asked for my name. I have no idea how I mustered up the courage to give it to you, but somehow I did. You asked for my number as well and somehow I managed to write that down without too much trouble. You told me you’d give me a call, and honestly I never expected to hear from you again, but I was very wrong.
That night you called me and we talked for hours. You said you knew that you were supposed to follow some rule of waiting three days or something like that, but that you didn’t like to be confined by social expectations. To my surprise you actually got me talking, and I knew that night that if we continued on like this that I would end up falling in love with you, and I was right.
You were always so quick to compliment me, especially in the beginning. You constantly told me how beautiful I was and how much you loved me and how much I meant to you. I was your world, you used to say. What I never understood though, was how you were equally quick to degrade yourself and it pained me so much to hear you say how much you hated the person you were, because you were always so angry just like your father, and you didn’t want to be like him in any respect. I didn’t know how angry you could get back then, but I do now.
You were never angry at me. You never hurt me, but you would hurt yourself. Sometimes you would get into physical fights on purpose after gigs and you’d get drunk when you were feeling down. You said it made you feel better about who you were. You said it made you forget what you hated about yourself. I couldn’t believe you hated anything about you, because I loved everything about you.
I looked around the woods and I knew I was getting close to our spot. I saw the edge of the water starting and I walked faster needing so much to reach where I was going, needing so much to move on from where I had been. It was dark, but thankfully the stars lit the sky, and I rushed over as I caught sight of the bench, our bench, which we had found in the woods and claimed as ours. When I was near our bench I stood in front of it, hands still clutching your picture and I looked at it, trying to memorize its wooden form.
This was our bench, or at least it used to be, it wasn’t our bench anymore because there was no longer and our or an us because there was no longer a you. I sat down on what would no longer be our bench and leaned against the wooden backing. We had found this bench tossed in the woods and destined for a lonely life. We had rescued it and placed it by a small pond where we sat every day. Sometimes you’d write songs and sometimes I’d read. Other times we talked. Now, I pulled out a note from my pocket. A note you had written. The last thing you would ever write. I had read it many times before, and this would be my last.
“My love,
I know that this will be hard for you to understand, and I know you will feel abandoned, but please forgive me for my selfishness. I should have been better to you. I shouldn’t have dragged you down so much. I have battled with depression for as long as I could remember, and it became unbearable. You were always my light. You were everything I wanted, but no matter how much I loved you my depression still ate me alive from the inside out and I was beginning to take you and everyone down with me. I couldn’t stand it any longer. I had to do something. So if you are reading this now, I am gone. I have been successful. I’m sorry to leave you like this, but know that it wasn’t your fault. Good memories are sometimes not enough to erase bad ones. Know that I loved you and will always love you.”
I let the tears flow freely as I finished your letter. The rain washed them away and I folded up the letter containing the last words I’d ever have from you. I leaned back against the bench and closed my eyes thinking about how terrible it must’ve been to die the way you had. I was just glad I hadn’t found you like your parents had with your knife in one hand and blood flowing freely from your wrists. My eyes stung at the thought that you had harmed yourself  when you spent so much time taking care of me.
Finally, I unclenched my hand that was securely around your picture and I looked at it. The picture was the last one I’d taken of you. You were on stage and you were smiling. You had just finished a set of your original songs at your most recent performance. You had your guitar in your hands and your brown hair was messed up from all of your jumping on stage. This is how I would always remember you. This was who you were to me.
I bent down in front of the bench and my knees hit the mud. I dug a little hole in the ground right next to your spot on the bench. I buried your picture and I buried your letter. I wanted you to be here always. I wanted a part of you to be near what used to be our bench and our spot that way you could always be somewhere you used to be happy. I needed you to be here. I needed to know that there was a part of you out there somewhere. I knew I couldn’t keep them with me constantly or I’d go mad with missing you. I covered your letter with mud and knew I had no more tears to give.  I stood up and looked down at what I had done. I took a deep breath and took in what used to be our bench one last time. Then I turned around knowing I would never return to this spot again. Without you it just wouldn’t be the same. Without you I would never be the same, so I walked back in the dark and touched the angel around my neck knowing that somewhere out there, even though you were no longer with me, that you were watching over me, and I hoped that would be enough to help me move on.