Lindsay Mcmillen's Bucket List Ch.3

The weekend was fast approaching, and Blake and I were extremely excited. I had never been out of Indiana, let alone out of the U.S., so the thought that I would be on my way out of the country in less than 24 hours was enough to get my heart racing and my blood pumping.
The day before we left, was Thursday, and school seemed to drag on and on and on. Right after school, Blake and I were going to visit Lindsay and talk over our plans for our trip one last time. When the bell signaling the end of classes rang I felt as if I had finally been released from some sort of jail or something, and I rushed out to the parking lot like some newly released prisoner and met up with Blake at his car. Blake’s car was a beat up dark blue Ford Pickup truck that was old before we were even born. Every time he started the car we basically held our breath and hoped that it would start. All I can say is that I’m glad we didn’t have to drive around the country in his heap of crap or we’d probably be screwed.
Anyway, we were skipping school tomorrow for the trip, so our week of school was officially done. When we hopped in his car and got and it started up, we both felt relief that we didn’t have to worry anymore about both school and Lindsay, at least for the rest of this week. Finals were coming up soon, so we’d been busy between finishing up papers and projects and visiting Lindsay in the hospital. At least now we could just focus on Lindsay and the trip without worrying a whole lot about homework.
We rolled down the windows and let the summer air blow our hair back as we sped down the road to the hospital. Something about today and the summer air made me feel even more confident that everything was going to be great and that this trip was going to be easily the best experience of my life. That confidence stuck with me all the way to the drive to the hospital and the walk down to her room until we walked into Lindsay’s hospital room to find her dad and Ryan sitting in chairs by her bedside. Lindsay was asleep, and she looked really sick. We hadn’t come to see her for the past two days, so whatever had been going on we were completely unaware of, but by the look on her dad’s face, whatever it was wasn’t good.
“Oh, hey you two,” her dad said acknowledging our entrance. His voice was quiet and thick with sadness. I began to get extremely worried, fearing that the worst had happened in our absence and that we had been blissfully unaware just to arrive and get a fresh smack in the face from our good friend reality.
“Hi, Mr. Mcmillen is everything alright with Lindsay?” Blake asked with a look of worry on his face.
Her dad turned to face us and I could see from the red rims around his eyes that he had been crying. I glanced over at Ryan who was slumped in his chair, silently wiping tears from his eyes.
He shook his head. “No, I’m afraid not. She won’t be able to go tomorrow. The doctors have decided to proceed with surgery. Her cancer is spreading. The doctors don’t even know for sure if the surgery will help, but it’s the last course of action they have left to try before they stop treatment all together. If surgery doesn’t work then it’ll just be a waiting game.”  I shook my head; I couldn’t believe this was happening.  A waiting game? Did he mean we were just going to wait for her to die if the surgery didn’t work? Was there really nothing else that could be done?
“Sir, what do you mean? When is she going into surgery? Can’t the doctors wait for her to go on the trip? I know she has wanted this for a long time, and she may never have this chance again,” I said feeling frantic and worried that the end was approaching much faster than I could have ever anticipated. The words from our last conversation formed in my head, “There’s always New Zealand, you never know what could happen there,” she had said. Well, she was wrong. New Zealand may not even be happening after all, just like I had feared. Her dad was about to tell us more, but Lindsay’s eyes fluttered open and she smiled wearily at us.
“Oh hey guys, when did you get here?”
“We just got here a few minutes ago,” Blake replied.
“Well I’m glad you haven’t been waiting long.”
“No, we’ve been fine,” I replied.
“Are you guys ready for New Zealand tomorrow?” She asked.
I glanced at her dad who just looked down at the floor. “Well, yea, but I’m not sure if that’s going to happen,” I replied.
“Why not?” she asked. She looked at me both confused and angry. She obviously did not like at all what she was hearing.
I sighed and glanced at her dad again. “Well, I don’t think they’ve told you yet, but you have to have surgery,” I replied.  I wasn’t sure what she did and didn’t know about her situation and I wasn’t thrilled that I was the one breaking the news to her if she didn’t already know.
“I know that, but I still want you two to go.” She replied so matter- of –fact that I couldn’t believe it.
I shook my head, “Lindsay, what are you saying? We’re not leaving you here alone.”
I think her dad noticed that the situation was heating up a little and he got up and left the room with Ryan making up some excuse about needing to go get something to eat.
“Jack is right; we’re not going to go without you. This is what you’ve always wanted. We can wait,” Blake said.
She shook her head. “No, I want you guys to go. Really, it’s okay.”
I shook my head and raised my voice. “Lindsay, I am not going anywhere without you. We will stay here and go another time okay? We can wait until after your surgery when you get better.”
“No Jack,” she said raising her voice back at me, while sitting up in her bed. Tears started streaming down her face unexpectedly and Blake and I glanced at each other bracing for the worst.
“You don’t understand. There will never be another time. I will never go to New Zealand and I will never do any of the things that I wrote on my bucket list, and you know what, I am fine with that, but I need you guys to do it for me. I am dying and I need you guys to go for me and when you come back I need you to tell me about it and show me pictures, because that is all I can hope for right now or ever really. I am going to die soon. I know this, but before I do I want to know that you guys will go without me.  All I have left is living vicariously through you. So please, will you do this for me?”
She was practically pleading and this broke my heart. Even the few times she had cried on my shoulder had never been like this. She was breaking right here, right in front of me, and there was nothing I could do but tell her I’d go on a trip that was meant for her. I felt completely hopeless and useless just staring at her. She had always been so strong ever since I’d met her, but here she was finally losing a battle to something stronger than her, something I had never thought possible. She always seemed stronger than everything that was thrown in her way. As I looked at her frail body and bald head sitting in her hospital bed and wearing only a flimsy hospital gown, my thought of her being invincible was finally being erased and reality brought to light. No one is invincible, not even the young and strong.
Blake and I didn’t say anything; we just walked over to where she was laying under the covers in her hospital bed. I wrapped her in a gentle hug and Blake took one of her hands. She was crying and before I knew it, Blake and I joined her. I was overwhelmed by the fact that she was dying and that I had finally and fully accepted this fact. I no longer held on to a ridiculous hope and I no longer ignored the obvious facts and truths. I pulled away and thought about the surgery her dad spoke of.
“What about your surgery Lindsay? Couldn’t that help you?”
She wiped her eyes and nodded. “Yea, but that would just be buying time, not curing anything. The doctors told me I will never be cancer free. They said my cancer is terminal.”
I nodded solemnly and then looked at Blake who seemed to be forming a joke in his head. I couldn’t believe he was even considering making a joke at a time like this, but hey, maybe a joke is what she needed.
Blake looked at me with a smirk on his face, making me sure now that he was about to tell a joke, then said, “So are you providing us with the camera to document this trip of yours or what because Jack and I are poor and apparently cancer gives you infinite money so what’s the plan here?”
She smiled. “My dad has a camera that takes video and pictures somewhere. I want better pictures than what your crappy phones can take.”
“I resent that, I have the iPhone 4 thank you very much,” I replied.
“Silly Jack, how could you possibly think your iPhone is as good at taking pictures as a device invented simply for taking pictures?” Lindsay said.
I shrugged. “At least my phone is much more portable and convenient.”
She rolled her eyes. “Excuse me, but I think I deserve good pictures of the one place I’ve always wanted to visit. I think you can handle carrying around a slightly bulky camera for me.”
“I guess I can since you are giving us this trip and all,” I said giving in to the idea of carrying around a camera.
“Damn right I am, be grateful punk.”
I laughed. “Yea, yea, whatever. I am.”
We spent the rest of the evening like that, talking and fooling around. We never mentioned again the fact that her cancer was terminal, but instead tried to focus on having fun now while we could. We played some games and stayed up late even though Blake and I were going to get up at an obscenely early hour. We had to fly to Las Angeles from our happy home town of Fort Wayne, Indiana and then to New Zealand, which was going to be about 16 hours of flying all together. But while we were playing games and messing around like we had always done before Lindsay was sick, I forgot completely about all the traveling I had to do and all of the sleep I was losing and couldn’t help but look at Lindsay.  I hadn’t seen her really laugh in a long time, but tonight she was laughing and her big blue eyes lit up, and I couldn’t help but smile too. I watched her while we played Monopoly, which both Blake and I hated but she loved so we agreed to play it anyway, and she laughed as she took our money and joked with Blake, and I couldn’t help but smile back. Deep down, I knew this couldn’t last, but in this moment I felt like I could hold onto her smile forever, and remember this moment, and remember her just like this and maybe that could be enough for me. I loved her smile, and right here, right now, it was enough to make me feel a little better.
“Hey Jack I know I’m hot and all, but you should pay attention, it’s your turn,” Lindsay said, referring to the fact that I had been too busy watching her to notice that I needed to roll the dice.  I laughed, a little embarrassed that she had noticed.
“Don’t flatter yourself, I was staring at Blake,” I replied.
She smiled, but shook her head obviously not believing me. “Either way, just go okay?”
So I rolled the dice, and we played the game and before I knew it, and before I was ready for it, the night came to a close.
Since Lindsay wasn’t coming with us, and we really didn’t want to go home and tell our parents that she wasn’t coming with us, Blake and I decided to leave the hospital and go to a hotel. Blake said his goodbye to her first, and left the room to go to his car, but I held back a little longer, feeling less than thrilled about leaving her and not seeing her for the next few days, especially since she was having surgery.  
I walked over to her bed after putting away Monopoly, and smiled down at her. “So, what exactly do you have planned for us on our trip tomorrow?” I asked trying to make conversation to stall.
She grinned, “Oh you’ll see. It’s a surprise.”
I sighed, “You know I hate surprises.”
“I know, but you’ll have to get used to them, because you’re going to be surprised quite a lot in the very fast approaching future.”
“Yea, great,” I replied sarcastically.
The grin on her face disappeared suddenly, and I could tell she was thinking about something.
“Listen, Jack, I know you’ll only be gone a few days, but I just want you to know that-“
“No,” I said interrupting her before she could finish, “we are not saying anything that sounds like an official goodbye. I don’t want to jinx anything got it?”
She rolled her eyes. “Jack, I just think you really should know-“
“No. You can tell me when I get back here after you’ve gone through surgery and everything will be great. We’ll have more time then since you’ll be recover and won’t have anything to do but talk to me all the time about what I apparently need to know.”
She just nodded without a word, then grinned again returning back to her old non-serious self.
“I guess I’ll talk to you when you get back if I have to.”
I smiled, “Yep, you have no choice.”
I looked into her blue eyes which were looking me over with a sort of underlying sadness mixed with amusement and I leaned down and kissed the top of her head. When I pulled away, I caught her wiping away a tear. I took her hand and squeezed it.
“See you later baldy. When we get back we’ll have so many picture to show you that it may take days for you to go through them.”
She nodded. “Yea, I’m sure. See you, Jack.”
“See you,” I said and I started walking to the door of her hospital room when I heard her voice quietly call back for me.
I turned around. “Yea?” I said.
“You know, not to get all mushy or whatever, but I just wanted to let you know that I love you.”
I smiled. “Yea, I love you too Lindsay. See ya in a few days.” And with that, I left her hospital room and met up with Blake at his car where we took off together and drove to the hotel, finally feeling excited once again about the adventure that awaited us in the early hours of tomorrow.