literature

Life After Death Ch.4

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Joey:
It was Monday. Usually Mondays were nothing special, just another day filled with class that I really wasn’t interested in, and teachers that bored me. But today was different. This was the first day I’d be back at school since the accident. I stood in my bathroom as I brushed my teeth and thought of the day ahead. I was mildly aware that my hands were shaking. I almost hadn’t even realized that today was Monday until my mom woke me up for school. The days had been blurring together lately, and sometimes I’d even wake up thinking that the accident had all been a bad dream. I wasn’t that lucky. I stared at myself in the mirror and brushed my blond hair away from my eyes. My blue eyes looked darker and more tired than normal. I guessed that’s what happened when you couldn’t sleep.
I finished getting ready, and walked to my room to gather my notebook and backpack. I looked at the clock and it said it was 7:30. School started in 20 minutes. I needed to hurry up and go get Gabe so we wouldn’t be late. It took about 15 minutes to get to school, and so that would only give us 5 minutes to get to class.
Over the weekend, Gabe and I had sort of made up. I’d texted him and told him that I was sorry for leaving the funeral early and he forgave me. He came over on Sunday and we talked for a bit. It wasn’t quite the same, but at least he wasn’t mad at me anymore. After he’d yelled at me when I left the funeral, I’d felt really ashamed of myself for not being able to stay. At first I was angry with him for being, in my mind, so self-righteous, but, I knew he was right. I had no idea how he could stand there and watch her funeral like that. I was mad because of all people I figured he would understand. I guess he dealt with things differently. Maybe he wasn’t having as difficult of a time as I was, although I doubted that since he was the one who kill-.
I stopped my thought. He didn’t kill her. It was an accident. I felt guilty, because that thought kept creeping up in my mind whenever I would think about the accident and Amelia and how much I missed her. I wanted something to blame, and he was the only one because he had been driving. Maybe if there had been another car involved it would have been different, but there wasn’t. I pushed that thought away. I wanted Gabe and me to try to get through this together. I didn’t want to be angry at him, but that thought was making it difficult. I decided to try not to think about who was to blame and to just focus on getting through the school day, so I went to the garage, hopped in my car, and drove to Gabe’s driveway across the street. I honked my horn to let him know I was there. I waited only a few moments and I saw him coming across the lawn. He’d taken the bandage off of his cheek. From the distance I couldn’t see his cut, but when he hopped in the passenger seat, I could see the gash was healing. It was scabbing over now, so the cut looked pretty gross, but I figured he’d taken off his bandage to draw less attention to himself. He didn’t like being the center of attention very much, which was ironic because for the most part I liked it. In a lot of ways, Gabe and I were very different, but that never mattered in the past and I hoped it wouldn’t matter now or in the future.
“Hey,” I said. “Your face still looks like shit.”
I tried to joke with him to ease the tension. I knew this was going to be difficult for both of us. I tried not thinking about lunch. The three of us had eaten lunch together every day. Now I’d be staring at her empty seat wishing she were there. I pushed the thought away. I didn’t want to cry. I’d already done so much of that already, and I felt like I was almost out of tears.
“Thanks. At least I have an excuse. Your face always looked like shit,” he replied.
I smiled. He always had good comebacks. “In all seriousness though, your face looks better than it did at least. I know your bruises are gone at least,” I said as I started driving toward school.
He nodded. “Yea, at least I won’t look like a purple faced freak now.”
I smiled again and the car went silent. After a few minutes, I turned the radio on. I needed the noise. I didn’t want to think too much, especially now. I wanted to focus on getting through the day without thinking too much about the accident. Usually, the more I thought about something the worse whatever I was thinking about made me feel. I had a bad habit of over analyzing situations and I knew that if I thought too much about the accident I would go a little crazy. The only thing keeping me from going crazy already had been Gabe, to be honest. In the past it always seemed like he admitted to wanting to be a little more like me. Now it was the opposite. I wanted to be like him because he seemed strong and here I was just crumbling.
“So, uh how are you doing?” Gabe asked.
“Fine,” I replied. I didn’t want to go into any more detail than that. I didn’t want to talk about her or I’d lose my focus. I needed to focus so I could do well on finals and stay on the football team. I needed football. Without football I had no outlet and I needed something to help me deal with her being gone. I couldn’t lose everything. No. I needed to focus. I needed to get through these few weeks. I know it would seem to him like I wasn’t trying to deal with her being gone, or that I wasn’t missing her like I should. Believe me I missed her so much. She had been my girlfriend and I loved her so much. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I pushed the thoughts away. I refocused my attention on the road in front of me.
“How are you doing?” I asked.
He shook his head and smirked. “I’ve been better. I just want today to be over with so I can go home.”
I nodded. “I completely understand.” I glanced over at him while at a stoplight and noticed his camera was around his neck. “You going to turn in the pictures from prom today?” I asked.
“Yea, I’m going to put them all on the computer during our yearbook meeting today. I wanted to make sure they got them soon, so we could put them in the yearbook. I know they’re trying to finish it up this week, so we can get them published and send them out to people as soon as possible before the year ends.”
“Makes sense.” I said as we pulled up in front of the school. I turned off my car and I stared at my school. I could feel my hands shaking and suddenly I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me. I wasn’t ready. I’d told myself I’d be fine and convinced myself I was going to focus and get through, and I wasn’t sure I could now.
“You ok?” Gabe asked.
“No. I don’t know if I can do this,”  I said deciding to be completely honest with him. I tried to relax and focus on my breathing like I did during a stressful football game. It didn’t have quite the same effect.
He put my hand on my shoulder. “Hey, let’s go. It’ll be fine.”
I nodded pushing away the thoughts and the pain and forced myself to relax.
“Ok. You’re right. Let’s just go.”
We walked inside together, and I felt a few people looking at us as we walked in. I knew they knew what had happened. We’d come a little later than normal so we didn’t have to talk to anyone about the accident. I wasn’t quite ready to talk to my teammates again. They’d visited briefly a few days after the accident and that had not gone well. They weren’t used to seeing me so broken. I didn’t want them to see me weak like that again.
Gabe and I said goodbye and went our separate ways as I headed to my English Lit class. I sat down at my usual seat toward the back and I could feel the room grow a little quieter. I was hating this day already. My teacher came to the front as the bell rang and smiled when she saw me.
“Welcome back Joey. I hope you’re doing ok.”
“Yea, I’m fine.” I said wishing she hadn’t even acknowledged my presence.
“Good,” she said sounding very sincere and went over to turn on the TV for the morning announcements. I ignored the announcements for the most part. I really didn’t care what was going on at the school. It’s not like I was going to participate in anything anyway besides the football games. Then suddenly, they said Amelia’s name and that caught my attention. I could feel my fellow classmates look at me as I looked up at the screen.
“Today we’re going to play a video clip in honor of Amelia Blake who passed away a little over a week ago. Rest in peace Amelia. You are missed,” the announcer on the tv said in a solemn voice.
I felt my body go numb and all of the progress I’d made psyching myself out to focus on just getting through the day fell away as pictures of her flashed onto the screen. There were pictures of her in the musical Gabe and I had just seen her in, and even pictures of her and I and Gabe and us. I had no idea how they’d gotten some of those pictures. Probably from her parents or something. They played the song “If I die young” in the background, and it was all just too much. I got up out of my seat and went to stand outside the classroom. It was like her burial service all over again and I could feel myself regressing. I put my face in my hands, and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. My chest was tightening and I was fighting so hard to keep myself under control. Suddenly, I heard some sniffling and I looked around the hall. There was someone from the musical a few classrooms down from me also standing outside the classroom crying. My chest tightened even more and I couldn’t stand out here and listen to the girl crying. It made it worse knowing that Gabe and I weren’t the only ones that missed her. Knowing other people were mourning as well made this all too real. I went back into the classroom after I got somewhat of a grip on my emotions. I had pretty decent timing, because I walked in right as the announcements ended. I was thankful that I hadn’t walked back in when my teacher Mrs. Christoff had started teaching since that would’ve just made everything worse, and I really didn’t need anything to be any worse than it already was. I sat back down in my seat as Mrs. Christoff and a few others gave me concerned looks. I tried to ignore them and focus on class. Mrs. Christoff started talking about finals, which were next week. She said that all this week would be review week for finals, and that she would give us a study guide tomorrow since our final was one of the first ones and she wanted us to have plenty of time to prepare. I started to tune her out as she began the final review. I couldn’t forget that damn video. I wish someone had warned me in advance or something. I wondered how Gabe had taken that. I made a mental not to ask him about it at lunch. I sighed trying to pay more attention  to English. The more I focused on actual class instead of missing Amelia the easier it would be to get through the class. I just missed her so much. I shook my head slightly as if to shake the thoughts away and watched the clock for the remainder of class. I would get through this day. I was determined. Next I made my way over to Algebra 2, a class that I knew I’d actually have to talk to people in since some of my teammates were in it with me. When I got to class, I sat next to my friends and they all greeted me. They had a hint of concern on their faces and I prayed they wouldn’t say anything about her. I had a feeling they would, but one can always hope.  
“Hey Joey, I’m glad you’re back,” Jake, one of the receivers on the team said.
“Yeah, how are you doing man?” Luke, one of the linemen asked.
“I’m doing fine. Glad to be back and finish up the year. I’m ready to be done with school.”
They nodded and then paused. I could tell the both of them were thinking about what to say next.
“So, uh did you see the video last period?” Jake asked.
I nodded. “Most of it, yea.”
“I know we didn’t come see you the other day. I heard a few guys came to see you, but I wanted to let you know that we’re here for you, and we’re sorry about Amelia. We know that you were really serious about her. You guys were good together. She was a really nice girl,” Luke said.
I sat there quietly trying hard not to get emotional. I hadn’t prepared myself for all of this.
“Thanks,” is all I could manage to say. The bell rang and I was so grateful that I didn’t have to talk anymore. I appreciated their condolences, but it was a little too much right now. I hurried out of class so that I wouldn’t have to walk with them and I made my way over to my government class. I sat down in my desk and tried to focus all of my attention on staring at my notebook, pretending to look busy. I had friends in this class too, and I was hoping they would leave me alone. They did not. Aaron and Leah sat down in their usual seats beside me and I looked up. Aaron was one of the tight ends on the team, he was also dating Leah who was one of the cheerleaders. Aaron sat next to me, and Leah sat in front of Aaron and I could feel both of them turn to look at me.
“Good to see you back Joey,” Aaron said.
“Yeah, don’t worry though, you haven’t missed much,” Leah replied.
“I’m glad,” I said. I desperately hoped this wouldn’t be like this all day. I really wanted to go to lunch so I could escape this nightmare of endless pity.
I was so thankful that Mr. Potter started talking, so they couldn’t say anything else to me. Not even going to lie, I can’t even remember one word of what that man said during class. I was so ready to just go to lunch and talk to Gabe and see how he was doing and escape all these questions for a while. I did sit with some of the guys from the team at lunch, but most of them had come and visited me last week after the accident and probably wouldn’t ask as many questions. At least I hoped that was the case. When the bell rang I did what I did with all of my other classes and left class as quickly as possible. I made my way over to the lunchroom and sat down at our usual table. Soon Gabe came and sat down across from me.
“You eating lunch?” He asked.
“No, I’m not hungry,” I said.
“Me either,” He replied.
I thought of what I should say to him while it was just the two of us, and I couldn’t think of how to explain how I was feeling. Mostly, I just wanted to leave school and go home. I knew though, that since the school year was coming to a close, my football coach, Mr. Marshall would want us to start doing some weight training and conditioning after school to prepare for the next season. It wasn’t a requirement, but since I was the quarterback, it was sort of expected of me to make sure I was in shape for the upcoming season. I stopped myself mid-thought and realized that the next game I had Amelia wouldn’t be there to watch. My senior year, I wasn’t going to get to see her cheer for me proudly in the stands. My heart started to sink as this realization set in and before I could think too much longer about the subject, Gabe started talking to me.
“So how about that video this morning?” He asked.
I shook my head. I didn’t want to think about it. “I left class. I didn’t see all of it. It was like reliving her funeral all over again. I wish someone would’ve warned me about it.”
He nodded. “Me too. I had to leave class too. I went out into the hall, and since I have journalism first period I talk to most of the people in that class and a lot of them knew what was going on. When I came back in everyone was asking me if I was ok. I just.” He sighed. “I just don’t want to deal with this for the rest of the year. I already miss her so much without everyone reminding me about the accident by telling me they’re sorry for what happened. Everyone is sorry. I’m getting tired of hearing that word already. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m the one who-“ he stopped and I could guess what he was going to say. I knew he blamed himself. Hell, I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t blame him at least a little, but I hated seeing him so angry at himself. It was like the death of his dad all over again, but worse, and I couldn’t help him this time because I was suffering too. I fished for the words to say, but I couldn’t think of anything. Not anything that would make him feel any better anyway.
“I miss her.” I said glancing at the seat next to me that used to be hers. Tears welled up behind my eyes for what felt like the 100th time. He looked at me and nodded.
“Me too, Joey. So much.”
After he said that, my teammates started showing up at the table. They greeted us and sat down.
“Where’s your guys’ food?” Jeremy, one of the linebackers and probably my best friend from the team said.
I shrugged. “We’re not hungry.”
He looked at me a little concerned, but didn’t say anything. Jeremy wasn’t really good with anything sad. He was more of a joking sort of guy. Most of the time when he was worried about something or was upset about something he just made a joke out of it.
“So what are the two of you doing this weekend?” he asked.
I shrugged again. “I have no clue,” I said, although I imagined this weekend would be filled with doing make up work and thinking about Amelia. I really didn’t want to go anywhere.
“Well, me and some of the guys are having a party,” he paused, “well, more like we’re hanging out together. Whatever you want to call it, we thought that since you’re back now you’d like to get together with us and celebrate the end of the year. We thought you’d maybe like to have some fun with us or something. Plus my parents will be out of town for a business trip.”
I looked at Gabe who had a look of surprise and disgust on his face. I could tell he wasn’t pleased that they were asking me to party with them after my girlfriend had just died, and to be honest I was surprised too. Allen, another linebacker must’ve read the look on Gabe’s face, because he chimed in.
“I know it’s a little soon to be asking you to hang out again, but we thought maybe it’d be nice to get your mind off of everything in light of recent events.”
I turned it over in my head for a few moments. I just missed her so much and I wasn’t sure how I felt about just running off to a party after she had just died. But I really didn’t want to spend my entire weekend cooped up in my room alone. It would be nice to have some sort of distraction. Then again, she’d always hated my partying habits, so I knew she wouldn’t approve. Maybe she’d understand my reasoning this time. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I knew for sure I didn’t want to be alone, so I agreed to go. After saying yes, Gabe shot me a disapproving glance. He didn’t understand. He’d never understand. He was always ok with being alone and dealing with issues on his own. I needed a distraction. I needed something else to focus on besides the pain I was feeling. That’s why I’d always hated silence. I knew he was judging me. I wanted to explain to him that I wasn’t trying to insult her memory or something by going off with my friends so soon. I was just trying to make this situation a little better the best way I knew how. If only he knew how much I missed her and how much I’d been torn apart. I’d looked for her in the halls between my passing periods, even though I knew she wouldn’t be here. I was still in denial hoping that somehow she would come back. If only Gabe knew that this was my way of coping, not just trying to forget about her or something, then he’d stop judging me. I could tell he was mad at me, because he didn’t say anything the rest of lunch, and the guys didn’t say anything to him except that they were sorry about what had happened. The rest of the day followed mostly like the first half. I had people telling me they were sorry and whatnot and I tried to coast through as best I could. I knew finals were soon, but I couldn’t find the motivation to pay attention in class. Mostly, I just stared at my desk and thought about her or thought about Gabe and how I was almost positive that he was angry with me. I decided not to care whether he was angry at me or not. He had his way of dealing with things and I had mine. Besides, if he’d just paid a little more attention to the road we wouldn’t even be in this situ- I stopped before the rest of the thought came through. I sighed. I needed to stop thinking that. I needed to get that out of my head. I couldn’t help that it would pop into my mind from time to time, but I could help trying to make it stop. I didn’t want to think like that about my best friend. Besides, he probably thought the same about me. He probably thought that maybe if I hadn’t been drunk off my ass then maybe I could’ve noticed the deer and told him to stop. Or maybe that I could’ve convinced Amelia to put her seat belt back on. Who knows? I don’t. I just didn’t want to be angry at him and blame him for what happened. It wouldn’t bring her back even if it was nice to blame somebody for what happened. After school, I headed to the school gym and then upstairs to where the weight room was located. When I walked in I was greeted by my coach and some of my fellow players.
“Good to see you back Matthews. You ready to get back into training?” coach asked.
“Yea, coach. I’m ready.” I replied.
“Ok good, go hop on the treadmill.”
I went over to the treadmill, turned it on, and started running. I knew that when he suggested we get on the treadmill, he wanted us to stay there the full hour of training. Usually, he sent us to run when we’d done something difficult the day before. He probably knew that since I hadn’t been here for a while, that I’d need something easy to do. When I ran, I always listened to music, which always seemed to help keep me from thinking too much about the burning in my legs. I liked running and I did it often, but no matter how great of shape you are in I swear, your legs start to burn after a while. I was glad to be back at training. At least here, no one would talk to me because they were all busy, and so was I. I was glad to have something I could focus on to get my mind off of everything. Before I knew it, it was time for us to leave. I was surprised that the full hour had already passed. I could feel myself sweating, but my run had gone by so quickly. I supposed I did really get lost in what I was doing when I was working out or playing football. I really did enjoy it. Some guys on the team really hated conditioning, but I loved it. I loved being able to have one task to focus on and channel all of my energy toward. On the way out, some of the guys said bye to me with what I thought were sympathetic looks, but I could have just been imagining those. So many people had looked at me like that today that it was honestly hard to differentiate anymore. When I was about to leave, Coach came over to me and I knew what this was going to be about. I didn’t want some sort of pep talk or whatever this was going to be about picking myself up or whatever. I just wanted to leave. I swear, If I hear the words I’m sorry one more time, I think I’m going to explode. I tried to hide my discomfort as he started talking to me.
“Hey, Matthews, I just wanted to see how you were doing.” He said.
“I’m alright, Coach.”
He nodded. “Listen, I heard about your girlfriend and I’m sorry about what happened. I saw you with her after a lot of the games, and you seemed really happy. I just want to let you know that you shouldn’t feel pressured to come to training or anything. I mean it’s not mandatory. You can take all the time you need.”
I appreciated his sympathy, but he didn’t understand. Not coming to train would make it worse. I needed something to make this terrible situation better, and trying to get back to normalcy in some way was the best shot I had.
“I’ll be here. I don’t need the time off.”
He nodded again. “I appreciate your toughness, Matthews, but sometimes it’s necessary to take a break to try to deal with the issues at hand instead of trying to ignore them with distractions.”
I sighed. It was like he knew exactly what I was doing, and this irritated me. I didn’t like being such an open book. “I’m fine. Really. See you tomorrow.” I walked to the door and I heard him say bye, I didn’t go straight to my car though, I went straight to the bathroom. I locked myself in the stall and I put my face in my hands. I felt like an idiot. I just needed to be alone for just a few minutes. I’d told myself that I wouldn’t break down, that I couldn’t break down. I had done so much crying and feeling sorry for myself in the last week that I couldn’t take anymore. I knew that mourning for Amelia was no one week process. I wasn’t sure if I would ever get over losing her. Sure I’d had other girlfriends. I’d even had longer relationships, but she was different. I’d know her for a while. Once Gabe had become friends with her when we were 12 we all three were pretty much always together. Before she’d been my girlfriend she’d been one of my best friends and it was like I was losing two people at once even though I just lost her. I knew all of this, but I still wanted to stop crying. I wanted to try to get it together or at least appear that I had gotten it together, and I felt like I was failing. Here I was sitting alone in the bathroom. I didn’t want to be sitting here with my face in my hands, but I just couldn’t do anything else. I knew I needed to text Gabe to find out if he was ready for me to take him home or not, but I felt like I couldn’t. I just wasn’t ready. Suddenly, I heard my phone go off signaling that I had a text message. I checked to see who it was, and it was Gabe telling me to meet him outside the journalism room. I guess even if I wasn’t ready to see anyone else I was going to have to get ready. I was worried that when I’d seen him he’d get mad at me for agreeing to go the party that Jeremy and Allen had invited me to. Oh well. I guess even if he was, it wasn’t his decision. This was my life, and I was going to deal with this however I wanted to. I left the bathroom and made my way out of the gym and down the hall to the journalism room where I saw Gabe standing and leaning against the wall.
“Hey,” I said. “How’d it go?”
He shrugged. “Fine I guess, we have a lot to do. Yearbooks are supposed to be getting published and sold by next week, so we have to include all the new prom photos by Wednesday, since I was the one who had them and wasn’t at school the past week, we’re a little behind. Mostly, we just looked through prom pictures today.” He paused. “Well, they did. I opted out and instead looked through the yearbook for any mistakes. Also, I had an article for the paper to work on since it’s due by Friday.”
We started walking toward the parking lot where my car was.
“So, what’s your article on?” I asked.
“Well, since I always do the opinion pieces in the newspaper I’m going to give my opinion on the proposed new rule next year that senior events day is only going to take place half the day instead of the whole day since the senior’s just had their senior events day last Friday and apparently, they were a little crazy during the senior variety show. Apparently the principal’s pissed, so I’m going to write about that, which won’t be hard. I also have a few pictures to take of people’s cars, because someone from the newspaper wants to do an article about the interesting cars people at school have, I already have some in mind, so that won’t be too bad.”
I nodded. He sounded like he was going to be busy, which for him was probably a good thing. We reached my car, and hopped inside.
“So how was practice?” he asked as I started the car.
“Eh, pretty chill. I mean I just ran on the treadmill the whole time. The coach asked me if I wanted any time to relax and I told him no. I just want to get back into the swing of things best I can you know?” I was hoping he could sympathize.
“Yea. I understand.” He paused and I had a feeling he was going to ask about the party. I was right.
“So, you’re not really going to that party are you?” he asked.
I sighed. “Yea, I mean I’ve thought about it. Why?”
He shook his head. “Joey, she’s only been gone for a little over a week. I mean are you really ready for that? I mean don’t you think you’d just be acting like nothing ever happened? Like her death didn’t even matter to you?”
I didn’t want to hear this from him right now. Of course it mattered. Her death was the only thing that really mattered right now. How could he not see this? How could he not know that everything I was trying to do today was to help me get past her death. I snapped. I couldn’t deal with his criticism. This was my life. Not his.
“Well, isn’t that what you’re doing by returning to the yearbook and newspaper? You’re just getting right back to where you were before she died. You’re being hypocritical. I’m just doing what you’re trying to do. I’m just trying to go back to normal just like you are.”
I saw him shake his head out of the corner of my eye. He looked angry. I was tired of fighting with him. I didn’t want to have to lose her and fight with him about how to deal with losing her, but he was giving me no choice. I wasn’t judging him on how he was coping. He shouldn’t be judging me.
“Joey, going back to school and participating in a school club that I’m supposed to do and work on and be a part of is hardly the same as going and getting drunk two weeks after my girlfriend dies in a car wreck that I was also a part of. Is your head so far up your ass that you really can’t see that? That’s why im not bagging on you for going back to training. We need to return to some form of normalcy, but going and partying is not going to help you. It’s just going to make it worse. You can’t run from this by going and getting drunk, and as much as you may tell yourself that by partying you’re just going to be doing what’s normal for you, you’re wrong. You’re just going to make this all worse.”
I was getting angrier with his judgmental attitude by the second.
“Who said I was going to get drunk anyway, Gabe? You don’t know. I just don’t want to be alone all weekend and mope around and feel terrible because I miss her so much. I want to be with my friends and have fun. Is that so wrong? Are you just pissed because they didn’t invite you or something? Are you just jealous because you’ll have to be alone this weekend? Is that it?”
He laughed. He actually laughed. That made me even angrier.
“You actually think I want to hang out with your friends? Hell Joey, they’re hardly even your friends, why would I want to hang out with them? Let alone drink with them? Sorry, I would rather be by myself all weekend. I’m your real friend Joey. I’m telling you what you don’t want to hear, because I know. When I lost my dad I wanted to pretend it never happened. Remember? I went to the movies with you and Amelia and acted like everything was fine, but that acting just made it all worse until finally I told both of you that I was not okay. I broke up with Amelia, because I couldn’t deal with his death anymore and I couldn’t bring her down with me all because I had held in how I felt for so long. You can’t make the same mistake I did. You need to give yourself some time. Besides, Amelia hated that you drank. She’d be disappointed in you. Maybe if you hadn’t been drinking the night of the accident things would’ve turned out a little differently. You say you won’t drink, but I know you. Ever since you became quarterback that’s all you do at parties. Trust me, I know you better than anyone else does, and that’s exactly what you’re going to do.”
He was right. I knew he was right, but I hated him for being right. I hated hearing him say I was partially to blame for the accident. I knew it was true, but he’d been driving. He had been the one in control. Not me. He was the one who could’ve really saved her. Not me. I knew I would drink. I knew it, but he didn’t have to remind me how much she hated it. I knew she had, but I had to do it. He didn’t understand. And I knew he knew me better. For God’s sake, he’d known me since I was in the first grade, but I didn’t want to hear how they weren’t my real friends. Maybe they weren’t, but he hardly knew them. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I slammed on the breaks and stopped on the side of the street.
“Get the hell out of my car, before I make you,” I screamed.
“Fine! I’ll leave just like you made me before since you don’t know how to deal with anything like a man. You know I’m right, and when you have the balls to deal with this the right way and actually respect her memory and respect me as my friend, you can talk to me then.”
He got out of my car and slammed the door shut. I sat there angry and shaking. I wanted to get out of my car and chase him down. I was stronger and faster than him, but he had always had more fight than me. I knew I had a shot at kicking his ass, especially right now. But I didn’t. I gathered up enough self-control to sit in my car for a few moments before I started pounding on my steering wheel and hitting whatever else was near me in my car. How dare he say that I wasn’t able to deal with anything like a man? How dare he tell me that I needed to respect him? He didn’t deserve my respect especially when he was insulting me like that. I didn’t deserve this. I was going through the same thing he was. I was facing the same struggles he was and yet he had the audacity to judge the way I was dealing with it all? That was B.S. He had no right. This was all his fault anyway. I shook my head. I tried pushing the thought away again just like I always did whenever the thought came up, but then I changed my mind. Yea, I may be partially to blame because I was drunk, but he’d been driving. Even accidents have someone responsible, and Gabe was the real one to blame. Yea, Amelia should’ve been wearing her seatbelt, but you can’t place the blame on the one who’s dead. After a few moments of sitting in my car I was able to finally and miraculously calm myself down. I drove home and went straight to my room. There I decided I was going to that party. I needed to go to that party whether Gabe approved or not. I swear, the past couple of years he’d been acting more like my parent than my friend. I needed to clear my head and have fun. I didn’t need his approval for anything. I went to bed that night happy with my decision thinking about Amelia and how I hoped she’d understand.
Finally, Friday rolled around. This week seemed like it had taken forever, and I was very thankful that the weekend was here. This week had been difficult, and I was glad to have gotten through it. On Tuesday, I’d gotten all of my make-up work and had been working on it trying to get as much done as possible since finals were coming up. I hadn’t talked to Gabe at all, which turned out to be both good and bad. He didn’t sit with us at lunch anymore, so I didn’t have to look at him and constantly be reminded of the accident, but I also didn’t have him to talk about the accident with when I really needed someone. I’d been trying to focus as much as I could on school and training for football, but it was proving to be somewhat difficult. I was beginning to miss him, but there was no way I was going to be the one to talk first. He was going to have to come to me. I’d also been having nightmares more than usual, and they were getting worse. Ever since the accident, I’d been having nightmares about Amelia and the crash. Most of the time I would wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning, sometimes both, in a cold sweat or screaming. My mom used to come in and check on me, but she stopped after a few days, because it was always just me having a nightmare. Usually, the nightmares were of me running through the woods trying to find her and calling her name. Sometimes, she would come to me and I’d hug her but then she would turn into ashes and disappear from my arms. Other times, she would catch on fire or would be laying on the floor of the woods bloody and screaming. Each dream, I was unable to save her, and they were really starting to get to me. I wanted to talk to Gabe and see if he was having nightmares too, but I couldn’t. no way was I going to speak to him first, besides I thought I deserved an apology. As I sat in class, I tried to shake the thoughts of the nightmares and of Gabe. At lunch, my friends and I talked about the party and I was actually starting to get somewhat excited. To be honest, I was kind of excited to be drinking again. I hoped that the drinking would help me get her off my mind. It felt like every time I closed my eyes, I saw her face and every night before I went to sleep I finally allowed myself to think about her and remember her and I’d cry until I finally fell asleep. Every fiber of my being missed her and longed for her when I let my guard down and it was almost overwhelming. Every night, I felt like I was losing myself to this awful feeling of missing her and every morning I felt like I had to piece myself together and focus on not falling apart at school or in front of everyone. As the week had gone by, I’d started thinking that maybe Gabe was right, but I was never going to say that to his face. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I was beginning to think that he was right and that I needed to give myself time. I didn’t want to give myself time to mourn. I wanted to give myself a way to escape from the awful hole of complete and utter sadness I had dug myself into. I just wanted to escape, but I couldn’t. I hoped that hanging out with my friends tonight would be a step toward figuring out how to escape out of the hole that I was beginning to feel was inescapable. Eventually, school let out and the time came for me to go to the party. When I’d told my parents I planned to go out over the weekend, they were surprised, but didn’t say a word. Lately, they didn’t really seem to know what to say to me and were mostly just letting me do whatever I wanted. A part of me was thankful that they were going easy on me, but another part of me wanted them to try to tell me how to get through this. I don’t think either of them knew how to tell me how get through the accident any more than I did though. After saying goodbye to my parents and my brothers, I headed to the party. I was beginning to feel a little nervous and considered turning back. I knew Amelia wouldn’t approve and I could imagine what she would say to me right now. She would probably be scolding me and telling me that I was being ridiculous. She said that word a lot to describe things I did that she thought were stupid or irresponsible. I’d always thought it was cute. When she said that I had a bad habit of smiling, which would make her even angrier. Thinking about that now though made me want to cry. I tried pushing back the memory. I didn’t want to be upset when I arrived at the party. I wanted to feel alright so everyone would think that I was. When I drove up to Jeremy’s house there were a lot more cars than I had expected, and it looked like there were tons of people inside. I sighed. I should’ve expected this. When Jeremy says we’re going to “hang out” with “just a few of us” he actually means like half the school. Whatever, it was cool. This would make it easier for me to focus on the party instead of her. I walked up to the door, rang the bell, and went inside. The music was so loud, that I’m sure no one even heard the door bell ring. I could feel the music pumping in my chest, and I had to push past people to get to the living room. When I got there, I could see Jeremy and Allen sitting on a couch with a couple of the cheerleaders. Jeremy looked like he was doing most of the talking, and he was laughing as he drank from his beer can. The good thing about being friends with Jeremy, was that he was great to hang out with and have fun with. He was especially good at having parties and seeing that everyone had a good time. This was one of the reasons he was my best friend on the team, because he always knew how to make me laugh and feel like no matter how bad everything was, it would be alright. He notice me coming toward him and waved. He scooted over so I could sit down on the coach between him and Allen.
“Joey! I’m glad you made it! Have you gotten a drink yet?” I shook my head. “Alright, I’ll go get you one. I’ll be right back.” He got up
With him gone, I was sitting next to one of the cheerleaders, Veronica, and I felt a little uncomfortable. It had been a while since I’d been this close to a girl who wasn’t Amelia. The girls got quiet and I knew it was because I was there. I think they were unsure of what to say.
“So, Joey, how are you?” Ashley, the other cheerleader asked tentatively.
“I’m alright. Just have a lot of makeup work to do.”
She nodded.
“I can’t believe finals are so soon,” Allen said.
“Yea, me neither,” I responded. “The end of the year went by so fast. I can’t believe it.” There was another awkward silence, and I couldn’t help but feel they were walking on egg shells around me.
“Joey, I just wanted to let you know, and I think I speak for the whole cheer leading squad when I say this, I’m really sorry about what happened. We saw you with Amelia all the time and she was really a nice girl. I just thought I should say something since we all know how much she meant to you and all,” Veronica said, finally piping up.
I nodded. I didn’t really want to hear this right now, but she was being nice. Besides, what did I expect? I wasn’t going to escape people’s condolences for a long time.
“Yea. It’s fine,” I said trying not to give away my emotions.
Just then Allen came by and plopped down between me and Veronica. I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to see him.
“Alright, I got you some coke and mixed it with Rum. I know that’s how you like it. Also, I grabbed you a beer before we ran out. I didn’t expect so many people, so I didn’t stock up as much as I usually do.”
“Thanks,” I said taking both the beer can and the cup with the coke and rum. I took a drink of the coke and rum and it pretty much tasted like crap, but I didn’t mind. The goal wasn’t the taste, the goal was the buzz and eventually, at least today anyway, to get drunk.  I sat on the coach for a while with Jeremy, Allen, Ashley, and Veronica until eventually I needed more to drink. I was feeling buzzed after downing both my drinks, but I needed more. I went into the kitchen where the drinks were stocked, and I grabbed a bottle of vodka that I noticed was on the counter. Without thinking about it, I tipped the bottle back and started drinking. I hadn’t thought too much about how awful straight vodka tasted, and almost as soon as I’d taken a few swigs, I had to stop and I almost spit some out when I looked up and saw a girl standing in the kitchen looking at me curiously.
“Were you going to seriously try to drink that all down?” she asked.
I felt embarrassed. “Of course not, I just wanted a few sips.”
“That’s gross, you just put your mouth all over that.”
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. I needed it.” I grabbed the bottle and a cup and took it with me to the bathroom. I didn’t want to deal with this judgmental bull from some girl I didn’t even know. Besides, I just wanted to be alone for a few moments. I was beginning to feel like coming to this party had been a bad idea. Gabe had probably been right. Gabe usually was right. Damn him. I stood in the bathroom and had drunken a good amount of the bottle when I heard a knock on the door. I was drunk and I knew it. I could feel myself starting to not care about much and when I thought about Amelia it didn’t hit me as hard. This was what I’d wanted. I opened the door and smiled. The guy gave me a weird look, but I left as he came in. I was beginning to feel better. I was beginning to think that maybe this hadn’t been such a bad idea. Gabe had been wrong! I’d shown him! I went out and walked around trying to find Jeremy and Allen again.
“Hey,” I said when I finally found them standing in a circle with a few of the other guys from the football team and a few guys from the basketball team.
“Hey,” they greeted back. We all started joking and talking and then some girls came into the group. One of them looked like Amelia because she had black hair and I smiled at her.
“You look like my dead girlfriend,” I said. She looked at me funny but didn’t leave.
“It’s a compliment. She was pretty you know. You should say thank you.”
She still looked puzzled and I was getting a little angry. Why wasn’t she saying thank you.
“You should say thank you,” I repeated.
“Thank you,” she finally said.
Allen was giving me a look I couldn’t quite understand and Jeremy started laughing. I’m not sure what was funny.
“Joey, you’re hilarious. Isn’t he hilarious guys?”
A few people in the group laughed and I laughed too. I wasn’t sure why I was laughing, but it seemed like the thing to do. My anger faded away and I felt happy again. We were all laughing and talking again and I was glad. Soon, Jeremy told me that we were doing keg stands and asked me if I was going to do one since I did one every once in a while. I told him yes and when the guys brought out the kegs, I was the first one to do a keg stand. Jeremy and Allen held me up and I was having a lot of fun. I drank and I drank for a while and I was really proud of my self. Finally, they let me down and a lot of the people at the party started cheering. When I was done, I went over to the girl who looked like Amelia. She was sitting on the couch and I sat next to her. She started to get up when I sat down, but I told her not to leave, so she sat down again.
“It’s so crazy how much you look like her you know? Like it’s so crazy.”
She nodded giving me a strange look. “You’re really pretty just like her. She had black hair just like yours. She was beautiful you know. You look so much like her.”
I looked at her and she tried to smile. But she kept looking at me strangely. I couldn’t understand why. I was giving her a compliment. Didn’t she know? I kept looking at her and I noticed her eyes looked sort of green. Not as green as Amelia’s but close. I kept looking at her and I smiled and she sort of smiled and I wondered if kissing this girl who looked so much like Amelia would feel like kissing Amelia and it made so much sense right then for me to try and kiss her and see what that felt like and I missed Amelia so much and this seemed like such a good idea and I went in to kiss her and the girl tried to push me away, but I figured she was just being hard to get so I tried to kiss her again but this time she yelled at me to get off of her and then I heard the room get quieter, and I looked around and it seemed like everyone was looking at me and when I looked back at the couch the girl had gotten up and then I looked up again and Jeremy was coming over to me and laughing weirdly in a way I’d never heard him laugh before and I was beginning to feel like something was wrong and that maybe I shouldn’t have ever come here. Jeremy grabbed my arm and led me outside repeating to everyone how funny I was and what a joker I was. We stood outside and then he turned to me and yelled.
“Joey, what the hell? You can’t just grab at girls like that. What were you thinking?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I was being nice to her. That’s all I was doing. I was just being nice. I told her she was pretty.”
He shook his head. “Joey, you’re really drunk. You need to go home.”
I didn’t really want to be here anyway. I was done. I’d gotten to drink and I felt great, and that’s what I wanted so whatever. He could kick me out.
“Alright,” I started heading to my car, but he grabbed my arm.
“Are you crazy? You can’t drive,” he said.
“Yea I can. I’m fine.”
He shook his head. “Look, I know that you are really upset because Amelia is gone, but I can’t let you drive. You need to call Gabe or something. You can’t drive like this.”
I shook my head. “Gabe can’t drive either. He won’t drive. I don’t want him here anyway.”
He shook his head again. “Ok. Fine. I’ll go see if Allen will drive you.”
I followed him inside as he found and talked to Allen. Allen agreed to drive me home. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get my car back to my house, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to go home. I walked with Allen out to his car and I got inside. Just as we started driving, I started to feel sick. I told him to stop the car, and I got out and threw up on the side of the road. When I got back into the car, Allen sighed.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
I shook my head. I felt like hell. The good feeling I’d had earlier had worn off so quickly. “I don’t think so.” I put my face in my hands and I felt tears running down my face again. “Allen, I screwed up. I needed to have fun tonight and I screwed up. I’m drunk and I feel like shit and I threw up and I just…” I couldn’t find the words. “I just miss Amelia so much and I can’t deal with it all right now and I just wanted to have fun. I wanted to stop hurting for just a little while and now I just made it worse.” I quickly wiped the tears away. I felt so ashamed. Here I was crying in front of my teammates. I was supposed to be his leader. I was supposed to set the example on the field and make the difficult calls. How could he see me as that now that I’d had a breakdown right in front of him?
“It’ll be ok,” he said. “It will get better.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know when. I need to be better now. I feel like I can’t even function.”
He started up the car and started driving. “Look, you’re drunk. You probably won’t even remember any of this in the morning. You’ll be better. It’ll be better. Trust me.”
I nodded and stayed silent the rest of the way there. He dropped me off at my house and I looked at my phone. It was 1 am. I quietly went into my house and into my room. I hoped I wouldn’t wake anyone up. My parents wouldn’t be very happy with me if they saw me like this, that’s for sure. I passed out in my bed without even bothering to take my clothes off.
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